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| i need to go christmas shopping
NOW!
-BK ♥
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| this is so stupid. i didnt even want to make a blog entry right now, but no one else is awake. at least no one else i want to talk to about this. i just feel so stupid. out of everything i've done, this was dumb. i mean, i dont regret it. but i know i was wrong, and i realize why i did it. i did it to make him mad. the funny thing is that i probably wont ever tell him. at least not anytime soon. not soon at all. we talked this weekend. i think he was hoping that i was still hung up on him. i mean, i suppose i am, but i've learned. i wont let history repeat itself. at least not with the same person. he just made me feel so stupid. so young... i had to get out of that. i'm pretty sure i was ready. i'm mature enough to know that. but i did it for the wrong reasons. i just wish things were different and he wouldve chosen me over her. my counselor told me i've been doing better. i'm going through the 5 stages of grief. i'm currently in stage 3. Bargain. i want this one to be as long as possible, i'm so not ready for stage 4. Depression.the first stage was pathetic, i was in such Denial. but i know better. Anger has been the worst so far. too bad theres not a guilt stage, or just plain state of stupidity. thats what i feel like now. i wish i could hate him. and i hate that i dont already hate him. and that i still really do care. which is why i dont have the balls to just fuck him over. blackmail might be fun. too bad i'm not that much of a bitch. he almost forgot i wasnt. i hate that he was being nice to me. it gives me no reason to hate him. i also hate that he remembered the first kowalski rule. we dont cry. we dont. but i do, at least lately. its like i cant even control it. it just comes out at random moments. i hate school. and i hate that the gallery is next week. also gymnastics competition. i'm under so much pressure now. its about time i pop. i hate this. this is so stupid....
-BK ♥
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| recently i've been making alot of changes within my own character. kowalski's DONT cry. but i guess i do. i think i probably cried all last week. its not that i just had a meltdown, i've just realized that i really cant trust anyone. no one can keep a secret these days. everyone you think you can trust can give you at least one reason why you shouldnt. i've been speaking to my counselor these days too, mr.meyers. he's kind of creepy, but a good listener. we've decided i'm emotionally unstable. starting with my dad, it makes me only like guys who are mean to me. the issues i've had with my dad in the past and as a child have made me not trust men. which makes it so hard for me to commit to anyone i do have feelings for. also, i would have made progress if it hadnt been for recent events. i no longer feel like i can trust my friends. which is probably why i have so many secrets from everyone, i cant trust you people. i feel like these days i only trust my sister, my counselor,(suprisingly) max, and alina. at least i still have alina. sort of. i miss her so much, and i can honestly i started tearing up as i wrote that statement. she's too far from me. but i'm happy for her with the whole andrew situation. and hope everything works out for her. she's giving him her whole self again, even though she cant trust that he wont break her heart again. i'd really like to give my whole self to someone, but i cant. i cant be in a relationship until i can trust again, and i cant trust anyone until i trust myself. i'm also really glad that max understands my current situation. its not that our conditions are the same, but they're similar enough for us to understand the way we make decisions. he's looking for someone to trust. but not until he can trust himself either. all bets off, its over. i cant be trusted. and it being thanksgiving, i'm thankful for those i still do trust. and lastly, i'm thankful i still have my health.
-BK ♥
Its not that I'm afraid of being hurt again:
Nothing again can either hurt or heal.
I have thought at moments that the ecstasy is real
Although those who experience it may have no reality.
For what happened is remembered like a dream
In which one is exalted by intensity of loving
In the spirit, a vibration of delight
Without desire, for desire is fulfilled
In the delight of loving. A state that one does not know.
When awake. But what, or whom I love,
Or what in me was loving, I do not know.
And if all that is meaningless, I want to be cured
Of craving for something I cannot find
And of the shame of never finding it.
-T.S. Elliot
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| so basically, i'm the worst decision-maker ever. well, maybe not. i think i just hold on to things for way too long. things that i dont really need and that i think may be helpful one day in the near future. you see, i've recently discovered that things that you cling to will never help you out. if they werent useful in the first place, they wont be later. like people, if someone isnt thinking about your needs now, what make you think they will later.... people will never change. ever. they say they will, and think they do, but they wont and will not. its taken me way to long to figure this out. i've cleaned my room out. i only have stuff i need, and things that have made me who i am today. maybe i should clean the rest of my life? get rid of some of the same old trash. i need some closure, and i need to move on. i always fall back on this quote.
"i want to hate you but love is hate, just reversed. Why do we talk about the things we loathe the most? Oh my God, i want to tear you apart."-Action Action
-BK ♥
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| when you talk to people, the one thing you're supposed to do is look at their eyes. it lets them know that you're paying attention and that you're focused on only that person. sometimes i feel like if you stare long enough into their eyes, you get a bigger story. people say so much more through their eyes than you even know. i sound so cheesy right now, but eye contact is so important when it comes to any type of relationship. i'm really not going to talk much about this, considering how stupid i would sounnd. but i screwed up, looking into someones eyes tells you way too much. not looking at all , keeps you apart. i am an idiot.
-BK ♥
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